Coming into Focus

I've been separated from my ex-husband nearly three years now.  I have to say my life is just now starting to come into focus.  It's kind of like living in a new place.  "They" say it takes 3-5 years before you adjust and feel settled.  I'm starting to feel a little more settled.  My picture is coming into focus.

I recently talked to someone who is the single parent of two kids.  He said he has learned that he gets very easily distracted from his goals with his kids.  In order to stay focused he has to limit distractions.  Goals with kids?  I hadn't really thought about it that way before.  I guess I figured my goal was to raise intelligent, kind, well-rounded men.  I didn't think about what steps it would take to get there.

So beginning with the end in mind, I started thinking about those steps.  What could we work on or do in 2013 that would help put my boys on the path to becoming good men?  I like to narrow things down so I don't get overwhelmed.  Here's our big 5 of things to focus on this year:

1. Chores- I want my boys to be self-sufficient someday.  I also want them to feel good about contributing to our team.

2. Fun- Our team sometimes gets so bogged down by the day to day responsibilities we forget to have fun.  My parents help us with this.   Above are Tommy and Hank's birthday parties. Fun moments in 2012.

3. Reading - our goal is 20 books a month for the Book It program at school.

4. Movement- Two members of our team could be called "Lazy Bones."  I won't say which ones but we are trying to get to the track, the tennis courts, play basketball, and be outside more.

5. Kitchen Table Time- I recently inherited the kitchen table from my grandparents' home.  It was the center of their home.  The gathering place for the whole family.  It was on that table I learned to play poker and did art projects with my grandmother.  My grandfather used to sit and read at his table for hours a day.  We had beautiful meals there at Christmas.  I want my boys to have similar memories.

Can anyone think of an acronym for CFRMKTT?  That would help me stay focused.

A New Name

After being divorced about a year I decided I needed to change my last name back to my maiden name.  I had tried holding on to my married last name for the sake of the kids.  I didn't want teachers and professionals to wonder who their mom was.  But then I decided to open my own counseling practice.  And as a budding business woman I just wasn't confident with my ex-husband's last name.  Especially in this town.  The town where I grew up and had accomplished some things under my maiden name.

I also started dating again about a year after after the separation (too soon btw) and had a revelation about my name about a year after that.  My friend Lauren, who consistently tells me the truth, said after listening to me whine about dating loser guys, "You are Adrienne F-ing D.  Time to own that fact and start living into your name.  You are fun, pretty, confident, smart, and laugh often."  I needed that confidence boost.  I do know myself.  I have done some cool things.  And most of them were under my maiden name.

I sat the boys, then ages 4 and 2, down and told them about the switch.  "You know how we do our team chant as Team L?  Now we are going to add D for mommy."  After a few chants they got the hang of it.  They say boys in our home are Ls and girls are Ds.  I don't know if I will ever take a man's name again.  Not because I wouldn't want to honor him but because I've become comfortable and confident with my birth given name.  I'm Adrienne F-ing D after all.

A New Team

I suppose I should re-start this blog by filling in some of the gaps in my story.  I was married for nearly 8 years to a man I believed was incredible.  We met working as backpacking guides in the summers in Colorado.  We shared the same faith and interest in helping others.  Our marriage began well after a brief courtship.  Our gifts complimented each other- I was the creative visionary; he was the task-oriented detail guy.  When we had kids the parenting gig was easy for us as a team- we could get things done and had fun doing it.

About four years into our marriage I noticed my husband pulling away from me emotionally.  When we had our sons all his energy went into them.  We no longer spent time together, went on dates, or pursued knowing each other.  We were both not the people we were when we got married.  This bothered me greatly but I thought we were just in a rough spot in our marriage.  I figured it would blow over when our kids were older.

Then came the announcement...my husband was gay.  And not only was he gay but he had been with several men throughout our marriage.  Trust forever broken.  Visions forever shattered.  I was devastated.

This blog is about the journey my boys and I have been on since their dad and I separated nearly three years ago.  Since the day of the announcement we have moved to a little home in my dream area of Kansas City.  We have had good days as a team and really bad days as a team.  I have had moments when I thought, "I can do the single mom thing.  In fact, I may even be well suited for this role."  And then there have been the moments of melting down, yelling too much, watching yet another TV show, or realizing this isn't at all what I thought things would look like.

There is one thing I do feel good about.  My boys and I are a team.  Each day we take on our new normal as a team.  We work together or sometimes against each other as a team. We believe 3 is a good number for a team.  We have each other's backs.  And while we have to constantly modify, our new team is starting to be even better than the old.